perseverance... and my toilet.
The other night I had a great talk with my mom and sister. I can't describe how good it felt to have a heart to heart talk with the two women in the world who know me best. It was hard... honesty usually is.
I feel as though I walk through a sea of perfectly painted faces each day. Each person looking like they have it all together.
"How are you doing?"
"Good! How are you?"
"Good"
(Usually a response isn't waited for, though, maybe so the smiles can fade without notice)
I haven't 'had it together' for quite some time now, and have felt very alone because of it. I'm blessed to have Matthew in my life, but I can't expect him to fulfill my every need. I really need God to fill those spaces and to rebuild me. It's easier said than done, though, to surrendur the area of my heart that I'm afraid of. The place each of us has, where we hide the lies we've listened to.
It feels good once it's done, but 'cleaning house' is a daunting project. Sort of like a toilet. It's gross, you're ashamed it's so dirty, and you know you have to clean it...tomorrow. But sooner or later someone will come along and surely notice. Hopefully they will love you enough to say something and encourage you to clean it(maybe give you a few pointers), rather than tell the world of the nastiness you've been hiding.
So Mom and Jennelle helped me do some soul searching. They gave me a lot of encouragement, understanding, and a good strong boost to change some things in my life... much needed. AND I know I'm acceptable, even if my 'toilet' gets grody from time to time.
You like my word picture? You know you do.
After the week, I was afraid to go back to work. Afraid to fail mostly. I got this boost of confidence and I really didn't want to mess it up. I admit, it didn't start out so hot. I looked at our sales report and saw that every single day I was gone, there were negative numbers. At a commision based job, that's not a happy thing. A big fat "0" would've been a more welcome friend. It's always a bit awkward getting back into the groove of things anyways after vacation, but I made it.
PLUS, good things!
A coworker of mine asked how Matthew and I are doing, now that he's been unemployed for over a week (he had to quit his job b/c of the crazy, mixed up system we are trying to manuver through). I told her it's hard having to wait patiently, but how God is taking care of us. Right after Matthew had to quit, he got a call from the Baptist church in town. Their music pastor left for another position, they'd heard how talented he is, and want him to fill in (1-2 weeks per month probably). It's funny how things work- when God closes a door, He really does open a window! This church has an amazing pastor (good friends with ours) and insists on giving us money each time he helps them out. I mentioned to this gal how this sort of thing always seems to happen when we most need it.
So later on that day, Owner boss pulls me aside, wanting to fill me in on Saturday's meeting that I missed. Apparently he used me as an example- in a good way- that I've been doing a great job at staying focused and meeting some high goals he set up for us the last couple of months. Usually, when I hear from him it's along the lines of, "Rollercoaster performances are NOT acceptable". I was definitely not prepared to hear the words that followed.
"By the way, did you get your money?"
"Money?" "You mean my paycheck?"
"No, the bonus I awarded you on Saturday"
"Bonus!?"
"Yes, for meeting those goals"
Yeeeeeeeeeeah! He gave me $116 cash! It was so nice to feel appreciated. Just the encouragement would've been enough, but the money could'nt have come at a better time. I told him that, and, along with being in a good mood, he asked how things are going with us.
Amazing.
God is so faithful.
I feel as though I walk through a sea of perfectly painted faces each day. Each person looking like they have it all together.
"How are you doing?"
"Good! How are you?"
"Good"
(Usually a response isn't waited for, though, maybe so the smiles can fade without notice)
I haven't 'had it together' for quite some time now, and have felt very alone because of it. I'm blessed to have Matthew in my life, but I can't expect him to fulfill my every need. I really need God to fill those spaces and to rebuild me. It's easier said than done, though, to surrendur the area of my heart that I'm afraid of. The place each of us has, where we hide the lies we've listened to.
It feels good once it's done, but 'cleaning house' is a daunting project. Sort of like a toilet. It's gross, you're ashamed it's so dirty, and you know you have to clean it...tomorrow. But sooner or later someone will come along and surely notice. Hopefully they will love you enough to say something and encourage you to clean it(maybe give you a few pointers), rather than tell the world of the nastiness you've been hiding.
So Mom and Jennelle helped me do some soul searching. They gave me a lot of encouragement, understanding, and a good strong boost to change some things in my life... much needed. AND I know I'm acceptable, even if my 'toilet' gets grody from time to time.
You like my word picture? You know you do.
After the week, I was afraid to go back to work. Afraid to fail mostly. I got this boost of confidence and I really didn't want to mess it up. I admit, it didn't start out so hot. I looked at our sales report and saw that every single day I was gone, there were negative numbers. At a commision based job, that's not a happy thing. A big fat "0" would've been a more welcome friend. It's always a bit awkward getting back into the groove of things anyways after vacation, but I made it.
PLUS, good things!
A coworker of mine asked how Matthew and I are doing, now that he's been unemployed for over a week (he had to quit his job b/c of the crazy, mixed up system we are trying to manuver through). I told her it's hard having to wait patiently, but how God is taking care of us. Right after Matthew had to quit, he got a call from the Baptist church in town. Their music pastor left for another position, they'd heard how talented he is, and want him to fill in (1-2 weeks per month probably). It's funny how things work- when God closes a door, He really does open a window! This church has an amazing pastor (good friends with ours) and insists on giving us money each time he helps them out. I mentioned to this gal how this sort of thing always seems to happen when we most need it.
So later on that day, Owner boss pulls me aside, wanting to fill me in on Saturday's meeting that I missed. Apparently he used me as an example- in a good way- that I've been doing a great job at staying focused and meeting some high goals he set up for us the last couple of months. Usually, when I hear from him it's along the lines of, "Rollercoaster performances are NOT acceptable". I was definitely not prepared to hear the words that followed.
"By the way, did you get your money?"
"Money?" "You mean my paycheck?"
"No, the bonus I awarded you on Saturday"
"Bonus!?"
"Yes, for meeting those goals"
Yeeeeeeeeeeah! He gave me $116 cash! It was so nice to feel appreciated. Just the encouragement would've been enough, but the money could'nt have come at a better time. I told him that, and, along with being in a good mood, he asked how things are going with us.
Amazing.
God is so faithful.
posted by Cristina | 12:25 AM
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